Besotted Alpha Males At Parties

by E. Marmer
posted Dec 19, 2016

Recently, I observed a fascinating phenomenon at a holiday party. By “holiday party” I mean of course any party taking place in the month of December which isn’t tied to some other justification, such as a birthday or retirement. At this particular holiday party, the majority of the guests were couples. Being a singleton after a 22 year long marriage, I felt a unique perspective at this scene of holiday cheer. Uncoupled, and therefore not altered by the dynamic of a partnership, I was perhaps more free and undistracted to detect what each couple offered in combination. For what is it we are sensing from others and drawing conclusions from if not their facial expressions, postures, tones of voice, scents and electricity; and when interacting with a couple we get their mixture, how they affect and relate to each other. And there were some couples that clearly were in love with each other, as opposed to abiding in pairings that had over time slowly turned into unexuberant units of familiarity, safety, and attachment, or perhaps had never included besottedness in the first place. How did I ascertain this? It was simply by noticing the enthusiasm the men in these partnerships had for their mates, and the pleasure their mates took in that. I’m not saying that only the men who displayed their enthusiasm were in love. I’m saying rather that there was no question that the men who showed their enthusiasm were in love.

My observations here must be limited to presumably heterosexual males and females in partnership, for that was the type of couple I was meeting and watching. In the case of two notably alive partnerships, the men would chat with others away from their women, but not for too long a stretch. They returned frequently to reconnect or report, perhaps sharing an interesting interaction or nugget of information. They seemed to be truly interested in hearing whatever it was that came out of their partner’s mouth in a group conversation. They offered to get their partners drink refills and introduced themselves to the others in the grouping with confidence and the seemingly genuine offer of bonhomie. Of course it’s true, this all could have been because they relied on their mates to feel safe in the crowded social sea. Chances were, they were invited in the first place because their women were acquainted with the hostess, and so many of the men were meeting each other for the first time. But the proof that it was more than clinging to a buoy came later. As the party wore on, these men didn’t feel the need to leave. They hadn’t exhausted their stores for required but not truly felt social banter. They were grinning slightly and each looking like the leader of their own private pride of lions, content, self-assured, well fed and well petted.

found at https://www.flickr.com/photos/ttstam/3290044006

And they were perfectly at ease in letting everyone see that. See that they were, indeed, loving it all. Loving how their partners loved them. Loving how everyone could see their beautiful, charming, smart and amazing mates. They were glowing and crowing, lucky bastards and they knew it. And their women glowed in the attentions paid them by their men. They felt charming, attractive and essential, beaming back at their men and at everyone in the group. It was quite a thing to behold.

That these apparently besotted men were so unabashed in their attentions made them particularly appealing. They were crazy about their partners and didn’t care who saw it. Or did care, wanting everyone to see it. These men would playfully lean into their mates, nudge them, teasingly chide them while wearing a look of affection if not charmed adoration, and even put their hands or arms on their legs or around their waists in claim and joy.

There is some notion floating around out there that a man becomes more attractive when he is desired, and that this is why some women will try to flirt with or intrigue a man who is committed to someone else. Apparently, these women can’t help themselves. That’s horse hockey. A woman who attempts to interest a happily coupled man has no justification other than being herself a person of poor character. And anyway, it’s not the man being desired that makes him more attractive, it’s the proud and beaming desire he has for his woman. Another woman, observing this, one who is not a thief or an unredeemable narcissist , will simply notice it, mark it, and understand the strong appeal of such a man. It is the appeal of the contented alpha male. A heterosexual man who is confident enough to easily show the world his love for his partner and his active admiration of her (which is an entirely different thing from revealing dependence) is demonstrating his social fearlessness. Wowser!

As it happens, I am friendly with the women I observed in partnership with these besotted alpha males. And so I was very happy for them. It is of course possible that their relationships are flecked by all manner of persistent problems. But it was also evident they are with men who actively and proudly adore them, and that kind of energy must go a long way.